Topic:

Advanced technology has brought many beneficial changes to the world. However, some old people today struggle with the use of technologies such as mobile phones and the Internet. How can the elderly benefit from using advanced technologies?

How can the elderly be encouraged to use consumer electronics more often?

Essay:

Nowadays, while some people believe that cutting-edge technologies change the world for the better, others think that older generations struggle to use even basic technologies. However, considering the number of functions available on the advanced technology and explaining the help that it can provide to old people, they can benefit from it.

When it comes to the advantages of using advanced technologies by old people, most such devices include many beneficial functions which can play a vital role. That is to say, since the most common problem in our society is a health issue which tends to deteriorate as we get older, the health tracking system is an important feature from which older generations could benefit since it can give suggestions and help. For example, a handwatch with simple instructions on how to use it is ideal for the elderly who live alone. That is because such software systems can call an ambulance in case of serious injury or a heart attack. Therefore, using advanced technologies as a helper for old people’s health can be useful for them on different occasions due to the high range of available functions.

However, the task of encouraging the elderly to use consumer electronics might not be the easiest one. For older people, using new technologies is a challenging and hardly understandable process. Hence, governments can make old generations understand that, although technologies are improving every day, they also become more user-friendly, considering the hardware that engineers use today. Moreover, an explanation of making life easier by introducing advanced technologies might be important. For instance, using a robot hoover which can manage cleaning the house on its own, instead of the device that we are used to, can be a great example for old people in terms of its ease of use and the amount of help it brings. Therefore, we can encourage the elderly by making a society to explain the support that technologies brought with them as well as its simplicity.

In conclusion, although a part of society agrees that an improvement in technologies is beneficial, some believe that old people struggle to use them; however, the elderly can take advantage of them such as health-tracking systems, and can be encouraged by explaining the amount of help and the ease of such technology.

7.5
Overall Band Score
8.0 - Coherence and Cohesion
7.0 - Lexical Resource
7.5 - Task Response
8.5 - Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Good Vocabulary Used : cutting-edge, struggle, functions, functions, vital
Coherence Cohersion Feedback - 8.0
Using IELTS grading criteria.

- ✔️Variety of cohesive devices used
- ✔️Referencing and substitution used
- ✔️Ideas logically sequenced
- ✔️All paragraphs have central topic
- ✔️Essay has clear flow
- ✔️Proper Paragraphing
- ✔️Paragraph Count
Lexical Resource Feedback - 7.0
Using IELTS grading criteria.

- ✔️Collocation (which verb match which noun) used correctly
- ✔️Complex phrasing used correctly
- ✔️Variety of words used to prevent repetition
- ✔️The vocabulary used is precise and expressive and fit the topic
- ✔️Spelling and word formation used correctly
- ✔️Formal language used
Grammatical Range Accuracy Feedback - 8.5
Using IELTS grading criteria.

- ✔️Variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences used
- ✔️Sentence structures are used appropriately
- ✔️Used appropriate grammar tenses
- ✔️Major grammatical Errors are avoided
- 🟡 Used punctuation accurately
In the sentence 'However, considering the number of functions available on the advanced technology and explaining the help that it can provide to old people, they can benefit from it.', a comma splice is present. It can be improved by using a semicolon or separating it into two sentences for better clarity.
Detailed Feedback and Analysis
Sentence: However, considering the number of functions available on the advanced technology and explaining the help that it can provide to old people, they can benefit from it.
Error Type: Task Response, Coherence and Cohesion
Error: Lack of clear connection between the number of functions available on advanced technology and how it can benefit older people.
Correction: Connect the benefits of advanced technology directly to how it can help older people by providing specific examples or explanations.
Explanation: The sentence lacks coherence as it does not clearly explain how the functions of advanced technology can directly benefit older people.

Sentence: That is to say, since the most common problem in our society is a health issue which tends to deteriorate as we get older, the health tracking system is an important feature from which older generations could benefit since it can give suggestions and help.
Error Type: Lexical Resource
Error: Repetition of "health" in close proximity.
Correction: Replace one instance of "health" with a synonym such as "well-being" or "physical condition".
Explanation: The repetition of the word "health" makes the sentence less varied and engaging for the reader.

Sentence: Therefore, using advanced technologies as a helper for old people’s health can be useful for them on different occasions due to the high range of available functions.
Error Type: Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Error: Awkward phrasing in "as a helper for old people’s health".
Correction: Use more concise language such as "as aids for elderly health" or "to assist with elderly health".
Explanation: The original phrasing is grammatically correct but sounds awkward and could be improved for better clarity.

Sentence: For older people, using new technologies is a challenging and hardly understandable process.
Error Type: Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Error: Incorrect use of adverb "hardly" instead of "hard".
Correction: Change "hardly understandable" to "hard to understand".
Explanation: The adverb "hardly" is used incorrectly here; using "hard" before an adjective like 'understandable' would be more appropriate.

Sentence: Moreover, an explanation of making life easier by introducing advanced technologies might be important.
Error Type: Coherence and Cohesion
Error: Lack of clarity in connecting introducing advanced technologies with making life easier for elderly individuals.
Correction: Provide a clearer link between introducing advanced technologies and improving quality of life for older individuals through specific examples or explanations.
Explanation:The sentence lacks coherence as it does not clearly explain how introducing advanced technologies will make life easier for elderly individuals.
Improved Rewritten Essay using Your Ideas
Your Rewritten Essay

In the modern era, there is a prevailing belief that cutting-edge technologies have revolutionized the world positively, yet a significant portion of the elderly population faces challenges in adapting to basic technological advancements. Despite this, by exploring the multifunctionality of advanced technology and elucidating its potential benefits for older individuals, it becomes evident that they can derive substantial advantages from its utilization.

One compelling argument in favor of older people embracing advanced technologies is the plethora of advantageous features embedded in such devices. Primarily, given that age-related health issues are prevalent and tend to exacerbate with time, the incorporation of health monitoring systems emerges as a crucial aspect. For instance, wearable devices equipped with user-friendly interfaces can offer valuable health insights and prompt assistance when needed. This functionality proves indispensable for elderly individuals living independently as it can swiftly summon medical aid during emergencies. Thus, leveraging advanced technologies as a support mechanism for elderly health care can significantly enhance their well-being across various scenarios.

Nevertheless, incentivizing the elderly to engage with consumer electronics poses certain challenges. The process of acclimatizing to new technologies is often daunting and perplexing for older generations. To address this barrier, governmental initiatives can play a pivotal role in fostering understanding among seniors regarding the evolving nature of technology and its enhanced user-friendliness owing to modern hardware advancements. Furthermore, elucidating how these innovations streamline daily tasks and enhance quality of life is paramount. For example, introducing robotic vacuum cleaners that autonomously maintain household cleanliness exemplifies the simplicity and utility of contemporary gadgets for older adults. By collectively emphasizing the practical benefits and ease-of-use associated with advanced technologies, society can effectively motivate older individuals to embrace these tools.

In conclusion, while some segments contend that technological advancements are challenging for the elderly to adopt, it is evident that they stand to gain significantly from innovations such as health monitoring systems. Encouraging their uptake involves demystifying technology's complexities and highlighting its user-friendly attributes alongside practical advantages.


Improved Sentences
  • - Original:
    However, considering the number of functions available on the advanced technology and explaining the help that it can provide to old people, they can benefit from it.
  • Improved: Considering the multitude of functions offered by advanced technology and elucidating its potential assistance for older individuals reveals their capacity to derive benefits from it.
  • Reason: The improved sentence enhances clarity by restructuring and refining language while maintaining coherence.
  • - Original:
    That is because such software systems can call an ambulance in case of serious injury or a heart attack.
  • Improved: This is due to the capability of these software systems to automatically contact emergency services in instances of severe injury or cardiac events.
  • Reason: The improved sentence enhances precision by providing more specific details using formal language.
  • - Original:
    Therefore, we can encourage the elderly by making a society explain the support that technologies brought with them as well as its simplicity.
  • Improved: Hence, society can motivate older individuals by collectively elucidating both the assistance provided by technologies and their user-friendly nature.
  • Reason: The improved sentence improves coherence by rephrasing more concisely while maintaining clarity.

Suggested better vocabulary
  • prevailing belief
  • revolutionized
  • substantial advantages
  • multifunctionality
  • elucidating
  • plethora
  • age-related health issues
  • exacerbate
  • incorporation
  • indispensable
  • insights
  • prompt assistance
  • functionality
  • support mechanism
  • foster understanding
  • acclimatizing
  • perplexing
  • pivotal role
  • fostering understanding
  • evolving nature
  • user-friendliness
  • enhancements
  • streamline
  • exemplifies simplicity