A portion of the human population believes that criminal behavior has its roots in genes. Others think that circumstances lead people to commit crimes. Discuss your take on both views and put forward your opinions.
Essay:One group of individuals believe that the reason why people who commit a crime is influenced by their genes, while another group consider environment plays a vital role in making criminal. While it is suggested by some individuals that genes are a decisive factor in this issue, I strongly agree with those who believe the one’s surroundings is a more important parameter.
On the one hand, some people justifiably argue that individuals who has have [Grammar Error; Did you mean “have”? Alternatively, check whether the singular of ‘individuals’ should be used.] risen in deprived areas or the suburbs are more likely to commit a crime. Because, since most of them have low revenue, they find it difficult to provide their basic needs. As a result, they turn to crime. In fact, several researching on criminals’ brain confirms that the majority of them live in areas where the majority of people have struggle in cost of living.
On the other hand, another group of people claim that people who have a criminal parent or who have risen in families with aggressive treats, have data about violence that is stored on their genes. Therefore, these genes transfer to their children. An article recently published stated that there may be a relationship between genes and crime behaviors. However, I do not find this argument convincing as I personally have numerous friends who have criminal parents but they themselves are kind and peaceful.
To conclude, in my view, environment must be the most important factor in why criminals are criminal. Because most of the people who live in deprived areas have financial issues. Thus, they are more likely to turn to crime. Moreover, my personal experiences represents represent [Grammar Error; The verb form ‘represents’ does not seem to match the subject ‘experiences’.] that there is not strong correlation no strong correlation [Commonly Confused Words; It seems that the adverb “not” is incorrect in this context.] between genes and committing crime.
Overall Band Score
6.5 - Lexical Resource
6.5 - Task Response
6.5 - Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Coherence Cohersion Feedback - 7.5
Lexical Resource Feedback - 6.5
Grammatical Range Accuracy Feedback - 6.5
Detailed Feedback and Analysis
Error Type: Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Error: "making criminal"
Correction: making criminals
Explanation: The correct form should be "making criminals" to match the plural subject "people."
Sentence: While it is suggested by some individuals that genes are a decisive factor in this issue, I strongly agree with those who believe the one’s surroundings is a more important parameter.
Error Type: Lexical Resource
Error: the one’s surroundings
Correction: one's surroundings
Explanation: The use of "the one's surroundings" is awkward and incorrect. It should be written as "one's surroundings" for clarity.
Sentence: On the one hand, some people justifiably argue that individuals who has risen in deprived areas or the suburbs are more likely to commit a crime.
Error Type: Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Error: individuals who has risen
Correction: individuals who have risen
Explanation: The subject "individuals" is plural, so it should be followed by the plural form of the verb "have" instead of "has."
Sentence: As a result, they turn to crime. In fact, several researching on criminals’ brain confirms that the majority of them live in areas where the majority of people have struggle in cost of living.
Error Type: Coherence and Cohesion, Lexical Resource
Error: several researching on criminals’ brain confirms / have struggle in cost of living
Correction: several research studies on criminals' brains confirm / struggle with cost of living
Explanation: The correct phrases should be "several research studies on criminals' brains confirm" and "struggle with cost of living" for better coherence and accuracy.
Sentence: On the other hand, another group of people claim that people who have a criminal parent or who have risen in families with aggressive treats, have data about violence that is stored on their genes.
Error Type: Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Error: families with aggressive treats / have data about violence that is stored on their genes
Correction: families with aggressive traits / carry genetic predispositions for violence
Explanation:The word 'treats' should be replaced with 'traits' for accurate meaning. Also, 'have data about violence that is stored on their genes' can be improved to 'carry genetic predispositions for violence.'
Sentence:
To conclude, in my view, environment must be the most important factor in why criminals are criminal.
Error Type:
Error:
Correction:
Explanation:
Overall Feedback:
- Ensure consistency in verb forms (singular/plural) based on subjects.
- Use appropriate vocabulary and expressions for clarity and coherence.
Improved Rewritten Essay using Your Ideas
There is a debate among individuals regarding the root causes of criminal behavior. While some attribute it to genetic factors, others argue that environmental circumstances play a significant role in shaping criminal tendencies. Although some advocate for the influence of genes on criminal conduct, I firmly support the perspective that one's environment is a more crucial determinant.
On one hand, proponents of the environmental influence theory contend that individuals raised in impoverished or marginalized areas are more predisposed to engage in criminal activities. The lack of financial resources in such communities often leads individuals to resort to unlawful means to meet their basic needs. Research studies on the brains of criminals have revealed that a significant proportion of them reside in regions characterized by economic hardships.
On the other hand, another school of thought posits that individuals with a history of criminal parents or exposure to violence within their families may inherit genetic predispositions towards criminal behavior. Some recent publications suggest a potential link between specific genes and criminal tendencies. However, I find this argument unconvincing based on personal observations; many individuals with criminal parents exhibit kindness and peaceful behavior.
In conclusion, I firmly believe that environmental factors play a predominant role in shaping criminal behavior. The socioeconomic challenges faced by individuals living in disadvantaged areas often push them towards illegal activities as a means of survival. Furthermore, my own experiences reinforce the idea that genetic predispositions alone do not determine one's likelihood of engaging in criminal acts.
Improved Sentences
- - Original:
some people justifiably argue that individuals who has risen in deprived areas or the suburbs are more likely to commit a crime Improved:
Proponents of the environmental influence theory contend that individuals raised in impoverished or marginalized areas are more predisposed to engage in criminal activities. Reason:
Restructured sentence for clarity and formality. - - Original:
An article recently published stated that there may be a relationship between genes and crime behaviors Improved:
Some recent publications suggest a potential link between specific genes and criminal tendencies. Reason:
Enhanced sentence by specifying recent publications instead of generic reference. - - Original:
Thus, they are more likely to turn to crime Improved:
The socioeconomic challenges faced by individuals living in disadvantaged areas often push them towards illegal activities as a means of survival. Reason:
Replaced vague phrase with detailed explanation for clarity and depth.
Suggested better vocabulary
- debate
- genetic factors
- environmental circumstances
- shaping
- tendencies
- advocate
- perspective
- determinant
- impoverished
- marginalized
- predisposed
- engage
- unlawful means
- economic hardships
- genetic predispositions