Topic:

A person’s worth nowadays seems to be judged according to social status and material possessions. Old-fashioned values, such as honour, kindness and trust, no longer seem important.

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Essay:

Modren society deems wealth and material possessions as an important factor for a person. In the earlier days, emphasis were placed on traditional values, such as honour, kindness and trust, all of which seems to be losing their values in our current society. There might be multiple reasons for this these [Grammar Error; The singular determiner ‘this’ may not agree with the plural noun ‘phenomena’. Did you mean “these”?] phenomena to occur.

Firstly, rich people who fluant their wealth and material possessions have a wider horizon of opportunities. Rich families mingle within the same economic brackets. They have an easier time getting prestigious jobs, as they already have family connections. For example, majority of the majority of [Grammar Error; An article may be missing.] practising doctors belong to a lineage of rich doctors, as they have already know known [Grammar Error; Possible agreement error -- use the past participle here.; Checkout This Link] people who can vouche for them. Wealthy folks use clothing, cars and accesories as a way to showcase their wealth, as the common man are bombarded with constant advertisement showcasing the rich lifestyle, that they believe people who can afford such luxaries are superior.

Old values are not valued as much because people misinterpret simple act of kindess as malicious. For example, people may ask "why would anyone offer me free food, if I were poor and famished?shouldn't they charge me?". It can be argued that the modren man honours money and wealth. As for the other old traditions, current era doesn't have a right "mind set" to place those acts in their current lifestyle.

In conslusion, social status and wealth give a solid platform to have connections and opportunities. Such conditions allows allow [Grammar Error; You should probably use “allow”.] them to move up the social ladder. Old fashion values does not provide a way to climb the "social ladder" thus society deems it less important.

5.5
Overall Band Score
5.5 - Coherence and Cohesion
6.5 - Lexical Resource
5.5 - Task Response
5.5 - Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Good Vocabulary Used : misinterpret, malicious, famished, deems, possessions
Coherence Cohersion Feedback - 5.0
Using IELTS grading criteria.

- ✔️Proper Paragraphing
- ✔️Paragraph Count
- 🟡 Variety of cohesive devices used
The essay lacks a variety of cohesive devices to connect ideas and ensure a smooth flow. For example, the repetitive use of 'wealth' and 'material possessions' could be replaced with synonyms such as 'affluence' and 'possessions' to avoid redundancy. Additionally, the transition between paragraphs could be improved by using cohesive devices such as 'furthermore', 'in addition', or 'on the other hand' to create a clearer connection between ideas.
- 🟡 Ideas logically sequenced
The ideas within individual paragraphs are somewhat logically sequenced, but there is a lack of coherence across the entire set of paragraphs. The transition from one paragraph to the next could be improved to create a more seamless flow of ideas. For instance, the conclusion could be linked back to the introduction to provide a sense of closure and completeness.
- 🟡 Essay has clear flow
There is a lack of clear flow from one paragraph to the next, making the message difficult to follow. The transition between paragraphs is abrupt, and the connection between ideas is not well-established. To improve the flow, the use of cohesive devices and clearer topic sentences can be implemented to guide the reader through the essay.
- ❌ Referencing and substitution used
The referencing and substitution are not properly used in the essay. There are instances where pronouns are used incorrectly, leading to confusion. For example, in the second paragraph, the pronoun 'they' is used ambiguously, and it's not clear who it refers to. This lack of clarity affects the coherence of the essay.
- ❌ All paragraphs have central topic
The body paragraphs do not have one central topic with one clear topic sentence introducing each paragraph. For example, in the second paragraph, the focus shifts from the opportunities of rich people to the influence of wealth on society without a clear transition. Each body paragraph should focus on one central idea and be introduced by a clear topic sentence to maintain coherence.
Lexical Resource Feedback - 5.5
Using IELTS grading criteria.

- ✔️Spelling and word formation used correctly
- ✔️Formal language used
- 🟡 Collocation (which verb match which noun) used correctly
The essay contains some collocation errors. For example, the phrase 'rich people who fluant their wealth' should be 'flaunt their wealth.' To improve, I recommend using a dictionary or thesaurus to check for correct collocations and word usage.
- 🟡 The vocabulary used is precise and expressive and fit the topic
The vocabulary chosen does not always fit the topic and lacks precision. For example, the phrase 'modren society' should be 'modern society,' and 'modren man' should be 'modern man.' Additionally, the use of 'mind set' should be 'mindset.' To improve, I recommend using precise vocabulary that accurately conveys the intended meaning.
- ❌ Complex phrasing used correctly
The use of idiomatic expressions and complex phrasing is not used correctly in the essay. For instance, the phrase 'misinterpret simple act of kindess as malicious' should be 'misinterpret simple acts of kindness as malicious.' To improve, I suggest studying idiomatic expressions and complex phrasing in context to understand their correct usage.
- ❌ Variety of words used to prevent repetition
The essay demonstrates repetition of words and phrases, such as 'wealth and material possessions' and 'social status.' To avoid repetition, I recommend using synonyms such as 'affluence' for 'wealth' and 'prestige' for 'social status.'
Grammatical Range Accuracy Feedback - 5.5
Using IELTS grading criteria.

- ✔️Variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences used
- 🟡 Sentence structures are used appropriately
The essay contains several instances of incorrect sentence structures. For example, 'rich people who fluant their wealth' should be 'flaunt' instead of 'fluant'. Additionally, 'They have an easier time getting prestigious jobs, as they already have family connections' should be 'They have an easier time getting prestigious jobs because they already have family connections.'
- 🟡 Used punctuation accurately
The essay has issues with punctuation, such as missing commas in lists and incorrect use of apostrophes. For example, 'Wealthy folks use clothing, cars and accesories as a way to showcase their wealth' should be 'Wealthy folks use clothing, cars, and accessories as a way to showcase their wealth.'
- ❌ Used appropriate grammar tenses
The essay lacks appropriate grammar tenses in several instances. For example, 'There might be multiple reasons for this phenomena to occur' should be 'There might be multiple reasons for this phenomenon to occur.' Additionally, 'Wealthy folks use clothing, cars and accesories as a way to showcase their wealth' should be 'Wealthy folks use clothing, cars, and accessories as a way to showcase their wealth.'
- ❌ Major grammatical Errors are avoided
The essay contains major grammatical errors that hinder the overall communicative value. For example, 'In conslusion' should be 'In conclusion'. Additionally, 'current era doesn't have a right
Detailed Feedback and Analysis
Sentence: Modren society deems wealth and material possessions as an important factor for a person.
Error Type: Lexical Resource, Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Error: "Modren" should be "Modern". "Deems" should be "deem".
Correction: Modern society deems wealth and material possessions as important factors for a person.
Explanation: The word "modern" is misspelled, and the verb "deem" should agree with the subject "society".

Sentence: In the earlier days, emphasis were placed on traditional values, such as honour, kindness and trust, all of which seems to be losing their values in our current society.
Error Type: Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Error: "Emphasis were" should be "emphasis was". "Seems" should be "seem".
Correction: In the earlier days, emphasis was placed on traditional values, such as honour, kindness and trust, all of which seem to be losing their values in our current society.
Explanation: The subject-verb agreement is incorrect in the first part of the sentence. Also, the verb form does not agree with the plural subject.

Sentence: There might be multiple reasons for this phenomena to occur.
Error Type: Lexical Resource
Error: "Phenomena" should be singular as it refers to one phenomenon.
Correction: There might be multiple reasons for this phenomenon to occur.
Explanation: The word "phenomena" is plural; however, it should be singular in this context.

Sentence: Firstly, rich people who fluant their wealth and material possessions have a wider horizon of opportunities.
Error Type: Lexical Resource
Error: "Fluant" should be "flaunt".
Correction: Firstly, rich people who flaunt their wealth and material possessions have a wider horizon of opportunities.
Explanation: The word is misspelled; it should be spelled as 'flaunt' instead of 'fluant'.

Sentence: For example, majority of practising doctors belong to a lineage of rich doctors, as they have already know people who can vouche for them.
Error Type: Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Error:"Majority" should be followed by 'of'. 'Know' should be 'known'. 'Vouche' should be 'vouch'.
Correction:
For example, the majority of practicing doctors belong to a lineage of rich doctors, as they are already known by people who can vouch for them.
Explanation:
The phrase 'majority' needs to be followed by 'of'. The verb form used is incorrect. The correct past participle form of 'know' is 'known', and the correct spelling is 'vouch'.

Sentence:"Wealthy folks use clothing, cars and accesories as a way to showcase their wealth"
Error Type:LExical Resource
Error:"Accesories" should be spelled as accessories
Correction:
Wealthy folks use clothing, cars and accessories as a way to showcase their wealth.
Explanation:
The word “accessories” is misspelled. It needs to have two c’s instead of one.

Overall there are issues with lexical resource (spelling errors) grammatical range & accuracy (subject-verb agreement) that need attention. Make sure you proofread your work carefully before submitting.
Improved Rewritten Essay using Your Ideas
Your Rewritten Essay

In contemporary society, the significance of an individual is often measured by their wealth and material possessions. This contrasts sharply with the traditional emphasis on values such as honour, kindness, and trust, which appear to have diminished in importance in today's world. There are several factors contributing to this shift in societal values.

Firstly, individuals from affluent backgrounds who flaunt their wealth and possessions enjoy greater opportunities. Wealthy families often have influential connections that facilitate access to prestigious employment opportunities. For instance, a large proportion of practicing doctors come from a lineage of wealthy medical professionals who can provide recommendations and support. The ostentatious display of luxury items such as clothing and accessories serves as a means for the wealthy to assert their superiority, perpetuated by pervasive advertising that equates affluence with social standing.

The decline in the appreciation of old-fashioned values can be attributed to the misinterpretation of simple acts of kindness as suspicious or malevolent. For example, individuals may question the motives behind receiving free food when they are in need, suspecting ulterior motives instead of recognizing genuine generosity. It can be argued that modern society places greater value on monetary success and opulence rather than traditional virtues. As a result, there is a lack of receptiveness towards integrating these values into contemporary lifestyles.

In conclusion, social status and wealth provide privileged access to networks and opportunities for advancement, offering a clear advantage in ascending the social hierarchy. Conversely, traditional values do not offer a direct pathway for upward mobility within the social strata, leading to their diminished significance in modern society.


Improved Sentences
  • Original: Old-fashioned values, such as honour, kindness and trust, no longer seem important.
    Improved: This contrasts sharply with the traditional emphasis on values such as honour, kindness, and trust, which appear to have diminished in importance in today's world.
    Reason: The improved sentence provides a more detailed explanation of how traditional values have lost significance in contemporary society.
  • Original: They have an easier time getting prestigious jobs, as they already have family connections.
    Improved: Wealthy families often have influential connections that facilitate access to prestigious employment opportunities.
    Reason: The improved sentence provides a more sophisticated expression of how family connections contribute to job opportunities.
  • Original: Such conditions allows them to move up the social ladder.
    Improved: Offering a clear advantage in ascending the social hierarchy.
    Reason: The improved sentence uses more advanced vocabulary and provides a clearer explanation.

Suggested better vocabulary
  • contemporary society
  • diminished
  • pervasive advertising
  • suspicious
  • malevolent
  • receptiveness
  • integrating
  • strata