A lot of money is spent nowadays searching for oil. As the world's oil resources will eventually run out, it would be more logical to spend some of this money on developing new sources of power, such as wind and solar.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?
These days, people have been investing their money in the search for oil. However, it is undeniable that oil resources are not sustainable, thus, the members of society should consider enhancing alternative renewable energy resources instead of relying on the already-found oil sources. I completely agree with this notion for two reasons- as the population of the world have increased over time, solely developed oil sources become inadequate as a whole, and the green energy such as wind or solar energy is more eco-friendly, so spending to develop those will also bring considerable positive consequences for public. In this essay, I will explain why I stand with the proponents for the forementioned two reasons.
The primary reason why I am in favor of this insight is that the world population have been evolving rapidly, and searching oil cannot be sufficient. This is because the explorations for oil or fuel are pricey. Instead of doing that, investing in refining or developing sustainable energy such as solar panels is considered to be far more beneficial to us. For instance, due to the economic crisis in Myanmar, only a few number of affluent individuals can afford electricity, hence, the middle-class residents are struggling to obtain enough energy for daily usages. Therefore, governments or authorities should take alternative methods of getting energy into account, nourishing solar energy for example, instead of depending merely on oil.
Another reason is that spending money on oil searching can damage the environment. As we have witnessed that the carbon gases emitted by such energy resources can negatively impact on our atmosphere, encouraging global warming indirectly. As an illustration, Japan initiated converting electronic energy to solar energy a decade ago, and saw a significant improvement in terms of natural habitat. Hence, improving renewable energy seems to be far more advantageous, and ecologically safer.
In conclusion, it is undoubtedly true that a lot of fundings are required to navigate a source of oil. Some scientists predict that the oil resources are going to run out in the near future. I totally agree with investing money in developing new sources of power for two reasons reasons, [Possible missing comma found.] as the oil resources are not enough for today's population, and the alternative energy sources can affect positively to the environment.
Overall Band Score
6.5 - Lexical Resource
7.0 - Task Response
8.0 - Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Coherence Cohersion Feedback - 7.5
Lexical Resource Feedback - 6.5
Grammatical Range Accuracy Feedback - 8.0
Detailed Feedback and Analysis
Error Type: Coherence and Cohesion
Error: Lack of smooth transition between ideas
Correction: Remove "thus" and start a new sentence after "sustainable." Consider using transition words like "Therefore" or "As a result."
Explanation: Using transition words helps to connect ideas more effectively and improve the overall coherence of the essay.
Sentence: The primary reason why I am in favor of this insight is that the world population have been evolving rapidly, and searching oil cannot be sufficient.
Error Type: Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Error: Subject-verb agreement error (should be "has been evolving")
Correction: Change "have" to "has"
Explanation: Ensuring subject-verb agreement is essential for grammatical accuracy in academic writing.
Sentence: Instead of doing that, investing in refining or developing sustainable energy such as solar panels is considered to be far more beneficial to us.
Error Type: Lexical Resource
Error: Repetition of "instead"
Correction: Replace one instance of "instead" with another transitional phrase like "In contrast," or "On the other hand,"
Explanation: Avoiding repetition enhances lexical variety and makes the writing more engaging for the reader.
Sentence: As we have witnessed that the carbon gases emitted by such energy resources can negatively impact on our atmosphere, encouraging global warming indirectly.
Error Type: Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Error: Incorrect preposition usage ("impact on" should be changed to "impact on")
Correction: Change "impact on" to "impact"
Explanation: Using correct prepositions is crucial for accurate expression in academic writing.
Overall, your essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic. To enhance your writing further, focus on improving coherence by using appropriate transition words, ensuring grammatical accuracy with subject-verb agreement, avoiding repetition for better lexical resource utilization, and paying attention to preposition usage for clarity.
Improved Rewritten Essay using Your Ideas
In today's era, substantial investments are being made in the quest for oil reserves. However, with the inevitable depletion of global oil reservoirs, it is imperative to shift focus towards the advancement of alternative sustainable energy sources like wind and solar power. I wholeheartedly support this notion due to two compelling reasons: the escalating world population necessitates diversified energy options beyond traditional oil reliance, and the environmental benefits of renewable energy are undeniable. This essay will elucidate my stance on this issue by exploring these two pivotal points.
One primary rationale for endorsing this paradigm shift is the rapid growth of the global population, rendering sole dependence on conventional oil reserves inadequate. The exorbitant costs associated with oil exploration further underscore the urgency of transitioning towards sustainable energy solutions such as solar panels. For instance, in regions like Myanmar grappling with economic challenges, access to electricity remains a luxury for the affluent minority while the middle-class populace struggles to meet their daily energy needs. Therefore, governments must prioritize investments in renewable energies like solar power to alleviate such disparities and reduce dependence on finite resources.
Furthermore, allocating funds towards oil exploration poses significant environmental risks as evidenced by the harmful carbon emissions that contribute to climate change and global warming. Japan's successful transition from conventional energy sources to solar power serves as a testament to the positive impact on ecosystems and biodiversity conservation. Hence, promoting renewable energy initiatives not only ensures ecological sustainability but also mitigates adverse effects on our planet's fragile ecosystem.
In conclusion, as global demand for oil continues to escalate, it is evident that existing reserves are finite and unsustainable in meeting future energy needs. Embracing new sources of power is paramount for addressing current challenges posed by population growth and environmental degradation caused by fossil fuel consumption. Thus, investing in renewable energies like wind and solar power represents a pragmatic and environmentally responsible approach towards securing a sustainable energy future.
Improved Sentences
- 1. Original:
These days, people have been investing their money in the search for oil. - Improved: In today's era, substantial investments are being made in the quest for oil reserves.
- Reason: The improved sentence provides a more formal and sophisticated expression suitable for an academic essay.
- 2. Original:
Instead of doing that, investing in refining or developing sustainable energy such as solar panels is considered to be far more beneficial to us. - Improved: The exorbitant costs associated with oil exploration further underscore the urgency of transitioning towards sustainable energy solutions such as solar panels.
- Reason: The improved sentence enhances clarity and conciseness while maintaining a formal tone appropriate for academic writing.
- 3. Original:
As we have witnessed that the carbon gases emitted by such energy resources can negatively impact on our atmosphere... - Improved: Allocating funds towards oil exploration poses significant environmental risks as evidenced by the harmful carbon emissions that contribute to climate change...
- Reason: The improved sentence strengthens vocabulary usage by replacing common terms with more sophisticated language related to environmental issues.
Suggested better vocabulary
- substantial investments
- depletion of global oil reservoirs
- imperative
- shift focus towards
- advancement of alternative sustainable energy sources
- wholeheartedly support
- escalating world population necessitates diversified energy options beyond traditional oil reliance
- environmental benefits of renewable energy are undeniable