Topic:

A growing number of people feel that animals should not be exploited by people and that they should have the same rights as humans, while others argue that humans must employ animals to satisfy their various needs, including uses for food and research.

Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Essay:

In this century, there are a countless number of people that are showing interest in what concerne animals rights, therefore it is becoming an actual and argued topic.

People are starting to look disapprovingly all situations and events with animal exploitation. Infact, circus for example, has lost its popularity and the audience prefer human performances.

Moreover, animal rights have become part of the law and animal’s abuse is punished with fees and occasionally with prison.

Further more Furthermore [Grammar Error; This adverb is normally spelled as one word.; Checkout This Link], also the animal breeding has been observed and people are realizing that the killing and the slaughter of animals is cruelly done. It is important to realize that people of new generations are developing a new sensibility concerning this issue, but currently it is emerging a new exstremist thought.

Despite the huge number of vegeterian people (which the majority of them are following a new fashion), there are also people with distorted views.

The area that worry me most regards the animal research which allows considerable and important improvements in the medical research, therefore in human walfare. The animalist group are is [Grammar Error; The verb form ‘are’ does not seem to match the subject ‘group’.] spreading wrong information , , [Incorrectly used dash or quote characters; Put a space after the comma, but not before the comma.] directly demaging the research sector. As an illustration, few a few [Possible missing article found.] months ago an animalist group destroyed years and years of neurological research freeing rats used in a laboratory, because they would have been cruelly treated. Unfortunately Unfortunately, [Possible missing comma found.] this these [Grammar Error; The singular determiner ‘this’ may not agree with the plural noun ‘animalists’. Did you mean “these”?] animalists did not know that for each treatment was used anesthesia.

Given these points, I defend animal rights and I do not support any form of animal exploitation , , [Incorrectly used dash or quote characters; Put a space after the comma, but not before the comma.] nevertheless I do not support any exetremist thought especially concerning medical research.

5.5
Overall Band Score
5.5 - Coherence and Cohesion
6.5 - Lexical Resource
5.5 - Task Response
5.5 - Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Good Vocabulary Used : breeding, slaughter, sensibility, neurological, anesthesia
How to improve your band score?
Keep your paragraphs count to 4-5 Paragraphs.
You wrote 7 paragraphs. It is advised to maintain 4-5 paragraphs. Check this blog by IELTS Liz'
Coherence Cohersion Feedback - 3.5
Using IELTS grading criteria.

- 🟡 Referencing and substitution used
The referencing and substitution are partially used. However, there are instances where pronouns could be used more effectively to avoid repetition. For example, in paragraph 6, the repeated use of 'animalist group' could be replaced with 'they' or 'the group' for better cohesion. To improve, I suggest practicing the use of pronouns and definite articles to enhance referencing and substitution in writing.
- 🟡 Ideas logically sequenced
The ideas are partially logically sequenced. For instance, in paragraph 4, the shift from discussing animal breeding to the emergence of extremist thoughts is abrupt and lacks a clear transition. To improve logical sequencing, it's important to ensure that each paragraph flows smoothly from one idea to the next, maintaining a clear connection between them. I recommend using transitional phrases and topic sentences to guide the reader through the logical progression of ideas.
- 🟡 Essay has clear flow
There is a partial clear flow from one paragraph to the next, but some parts lack coherence. For instance, the transition from paragraph 5 to paragraph 6 is abrupt and disrupts the flow of ideas. To improve coherence, I suggest using transitional phrases and topic sentences to create a smoother flow between paragraphs.
- ❌ Variety of cohesive devices used
The essay lacks a variety of cohesive devices to connect ideas and ensure a smooth flow. For example, the repetitive use of 'furthermore' and 'moreover' in paragraphs 3 and 4 makes the writing monotonous. Instead, using transitional phrases like 'in addition', 'additionally', or 'furthermore' can add variety and improve coherence. To avoid this mistake in the future, I recommend practicing the use of a wider range of cohesive devices such as pronouns, conjunctions, and transitional phrases.
- ❌ All paragraphs have central topic
The body paragraphs do not have one central topic with one topic sentence introducing each paragraph. For example, in paragraph 4, the focus shifts from animal breeding to the emergence of extremist thoughts without a clear central topic. To address this, I recommend clearly identifying the main idea of each paragraph and using a topic sentence to introduce it, ensuring that each paragraph focuses on one central topic.
- ❌ Proper Paragraphing
You need to work on your paragraphing. Your paragraph number 3 is not proportional and not fully developed. Consider developing your paragraph further with additional details to strengthen your response. Check this blog.
- ❌ Paragraph Count
Currently you wrote 7 paragraphs. It is advised to write 4-5 paragraphs. Check this blog by IELTS Liz
Lexical Resource Feedback - 5.5
Using IELTS grading criteria.

- ✔️Spelling and word formation used correctly
- 🟡 Collocation (which verb match which noun) used correctly
The essay contains some incorrect collocations. For example, 'what concerne animals rights' should be 'concerning animal rights'. To improve, I recommend using the correct collocations and paying attention to the use of prepositions and articles in phrases.
- 🟡 Variety of words used to prevent repetition
The essay demonstrates some repetition of words and phrases, such as 'animal rights' and 'animalist group'. To avoid repetition, I recommend using synonyms and varying the vocabulary to enhance the lexical resource.
- 🟡 The vocabulary used is precise and expressive and fit the topic
The vocabulary chosen does not always fit the topic and lacks precision. For example, 'what concerne animals rights' should be 'concerning animal rights', and 'new exstremist thought' should be 'extremist ideology'. To improve, I suggest using precise vocabulary that accurately conveys the intended meaning.
- 🟡 Formal language used
The tone in some parts of the essay is too casual, such as 'what concerne animals rights'. To maintain a formal tone, I recommend using appropriate language and phrasing for academic writing.
- ❌ Complex phrasing used correctly
The use of idiomatic expressions and complex phrasing is not accurate in the essay. For instance, 'what concerne animals rights' is not a correct phrasing. To improve, I suggest using idiomatic expressions and complex phrasing more accurately by consulting reliable sources or seeking feedback from a language expert.
Grammatical Range Accuracy Feedback - 5.5
Using IELTS grading criteria.

- ✔️Variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences used
- 🟡 Sentence structures are used appropriately
The essay contains several instances of incorrect verb forms, such as 'concernal' instead of 'concerning', 'disapprovingly all situations' instead of 'disapprovingly of all situations', and 'new exstremist thought' instead of 'new extremist thought'. These errors affect the clarity and coherence of the essay. To improve, I recommend paying closer attention to verb forms and using appropriate prepositions and articles in sentences.
- 🟡 Used appropriate grammar tenses
The essay contains inconsistent use of verb tenses, such as 'are showing' and 'is becoming', 'has lost' and 'prefer', 'have become' and 'is punished'. These inconsistencies affect the overall coherence of the essay. To improve, I recommend maintaining consistency in verb tenses throughout the essay.
- 🟡 Used punctuation accurately
The essay has issues with punctuation, such as missing commas after introductory phrases, missing apostrophes in contractions (e.g., 'vegeterian' instead of 'vegetarian'), and missing periods at the end of some sentences. These punctuation errors affect the flow and readability of the essay. To improve, I recommend paying closer attention to punctuation rules and using commas, apostrophes, and periods correctly.
- ❌ Major grammatical Errors are avoided
The essay contains major grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement issues (e.g., 'there are a countless number' should be 'there is a countless number'), incorrect verb forms (e.g., 'are showing interest in what concerne animals rights'), and incorrect word usage (e.g., 'exstremist' instead of 'extremist'). These errors significantly hinder the overall communicative value of the essay. To improve, I recommend focusing on subject-verb agreement, verb forms, and word usage.
Detailed Feedback and Analysis
Sentence: In this century, there are a countless number of people that are showing interest in what concerne animals rights, therefore it is becoming an actual and argued topic.
Error Type: Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Error: "concerne" should be "concerns", "actual" should be "an actual"
Correction: concern; an actual
Explanation: The word "concerne" is misspelled and should be corrected to "concerns". Also, the article "an" is needed before the word "actual".

Sentence: People are starting to look disapprovingly all situations and events with animal exploitation. Infact, circus for example, has lost its popularity and the audience prefer human performances.
Error Type: Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Error: "disapprovingly all" should be "disapprovingly at"; "Infact" should be "In fact"
Correction: disapprovingly at; In fact
Explanation: The preposition "at" is needed after the word "disapprovingly". Additionally, the phrase should be corrected to "In fact" for proper usage.

Sentence: Moreover, animal rights have become part of the law and animal’s abuse is punished with fees and occasionally with prison.
Error Type: Coherence and Cohesion
Error: Missing article before 'animal's'
Correction: animal's abuse
Explanation: The possessive form requires an article before it.

Sentence: Further more, also the animal breeding has been observed and people are realizing that the killing and the slaughter of animals is cruelly done. It is important to realize that people of new generations are developing a new sensibility concerning this issue, but currently it is emerging a new exstremist thought.
Error Type: Lexical Resource, Coherence and Cohesion
Error: Further more; exstremist
Correction: Furthermore; extremist
Explanation: The correct words are 'Furthermore' instead of 'Further more' and 'extremist' instead of 'exstremist'.

Sentence:The area that worry me most regards the animal research which allows considerable and important improvements in the medical research, therefore in human walfare. The animalist group are spreading wrong information , directly demaging the research sector. As an illustration, few months ago an animalist group destroyed years and years of neurological research freeing rats used in a laboratory, because they would have been cruelly treated. Unfortunately this animalists did not know that for each treatment was used anesthesia.
Error Type: Grammatical Range and Accuracy, Lexical Resource
Error:The area that worry me most; walfare; demaging; animalist; this animalists did not know that for each treatment was used anesthesia.
Correction:The area that worries me most; welfare; damaging; animal rights activists/animal activists/animal rights advocates/animal welfare advocates/animal welfare activists ; these activists did not know that anesthesia was used for each treatment.
Explanation:"Worry" should agree with its subject so it should be changed to worries. Also,"welfare", damaging", need correction. Instead of using 'animalists', use one of these suggested terms as per your intended meaning. Lastly,"this animalists did not know that for each treatment was used anesthesia." needs rephrasing.

Overall, your essay shows good understanding of the topic but there are some errors related to grammar accuracy, coherence & cohesion as well as lexical resource. Make sure to proofread your work carefully before submission.
Improved Rewritten Essay using Your Ideas
Your Rewritten Essay

In the contemporary era, there is a growing concern among individuals regarding the ethical treatment of animals, making it a highly debated and pertinent issue. The topic of animal rights has garnered significant attention, with divergent opinions on whether animals should be accorded the same rights as humans or if their utilization for various purposes such as food and research is justified.

On one hand, there is a discernible shift in public sentiment towards disapproving any form of animal exploitation. For instance, traditional forms of entertainment like circuses have witnessed a decline in popularity, as audiences now prefer human performances over those involving animals. Additionally, legislative measures have been implemented to protect animal rights, with stringent penalties including fines and imprisonment for instances of animal abuse.

Furthermore, there is a growing awareness about the ethical implications of animal breeding and slaughter. The younger generation is increasingly developing a heightened sensitivity towards this issue. However, there is also an emerging extremist ideology that advocates for radical measures against any form of animal use.

Despite the increasing number of individuals adopting vegetarianism as a lifestyle choice, some hold misguided views on this matter. Of particular concern is the contentious issue of animal research which has contributed significantly to advancements in medical science and human welfare. Misinformation propagated by certain activist groups has led to detrimental consequences for vital research endeavors. An illustrative example is the recent destruction of years' worth of neurological research by an activist group that released laboratory rats under the false belief that they were being subjected to cruel treatment, unaware that anesthesia was used for each procedure.

In conclusion, while I advocate for the protection of animal rights and oppose all forms of exploitation, I am cautious about embracing extremist ideologies particularly in relation to essential medical research.


Improved Sentences
  • Original: People are starting to look disapprovingly all situations and events with animal exploitation.
    Improved: There is a discernible shift in public sentiment towards disapproving any form of animal exploitation.
    Reason: The improved sentence uses more formal language and conveys the idea more clearly.
  • Original: Further more, also the animal breeding has been observed and people are realizing that the killing and the slaughter of animals is cruelly done.
    Improved: Furthermore, there is a growing awareness about the ethical implications of animal breeding and slaughter.
    Reason: The improved sentence uses more sophisticated vocabulary and presents the idea more coherently.
  • Original: Given these points, I defend animal rights and I do not support any form of animal exploitation , nevertheless I do not support any exetremist thought especially concerning medical research.
    Improved: In conclusion, while I advocate for the protection of animal rights and oppose all forms of exploitation, I am cautious about embracing extremist ideologies particularly in relation to essential medical research.
    Reason: The improved sentence provides a clearer conclusion with more formal language.

Suggested better vocabulary
  • contemporary era
  • pertinent issue
  • discernible shift
  • stringent penalties
  • sensitivity towards
  • contentious issue
  • vital research endeavors