Topic:

A growing number of people feel that animals should not be exploited by people and that they should have the same rights as humans, while others argue that humans must employ animals to satisfy their various needs, including uses for food and research

Essay:

So problematic has the issue of exploiting creatures become nowadays that a lot of individuals argue that animal should have the same position as people. While some opine that the creature could be the sample of academic progress and fulfill human necessary as daily needs. Both of ideas the ideas [Possible missing article found.] will be discussed and , and [Punctuation Error; Use a comma before ‘and’ if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).; Checkout This Link] I would give the conclusion below.

On the one hand, people argue that creature has similar rights as humans due to some considerations. First, animals are the creature which can maintain the stability of nature. Meaning that the people should keep their environment by protect the other creatures as they protect themselves. The more people have good relationship with other creatures, the more safety the nature and their life will be. In addition, all organisms have benefits to the others. If people like to hurt or even kill animals, they tend to get the harmful effect on their life.

On the other hand, there there are [Did you mean “there is/are”? Please check if there is a verb missing.] many reasons why other people opine that animals have massive contributions on contributions to [Collocations error; The usual preposition for “contribution” is “to”. Did you mean “contributions to”?] human and , and [Punctuation Error; Use a comma before ‘and’ if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).; Checkout This Link] it is likely to be hunt hunted [Grammar Error; The past participle is required after “to be”.] for people’s necessary. Firstly, the animal could be one of best the best [Possible missing article found.] sample of testing medicine. This way might bring the benefits on humans owing to various diseases occurring nowadays. To illustrate, The medical personnel who will create alternative or even new medications needs some researches before publishing the drugs certainly , certainly [Punctuation Error; Consider inserting a comma before ‘certainly’.]. Hence, the animals could be the tools of the goal measurement of the products. In addition, they said that creatures have valuable thing needed by humans, such as the contents of the meat for being a basic meal of individuals, the skin or the fur that could be the tools for people’s creativity and many others.

To sum up, it seems to me that people could exploit creatures due to a lot of contributions might be needed by human in term of in terms of [Grammar Error; Did you mean the commonly used phrase “in terms of”?; Checkout This Link] improving health academy or supporting energy. This is as long as people could maintain the stability of environment by saving the creatures.

5.5
Overall Band Score
5.5 - Coherence and Cohesion
6.0 - Lexical Resource
5.5 - Task Response
5.0 - Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Good Vocabulary Used : opine, opine, problematic, sample, considerations
Coherence Cohersion Feedback - 5.5
Using IELTS grading criteria.

- ✔️All paragraphs have central topic
- ✔️Proper Paragraphing
- ✔️Paragraph Count
- 🟡 Variety of cohesive devices used
The essay lacks a variety of cohesive devices to connect ideas and ensure a smooth flow. For example, the repetitive use of 'the creature' and 'people' could be replaced with pronouns or synonyms to avoid monotony. Additionally, the transition between paragraphs could be improved to create a clearer connection between ideas.
- 🟡 Ideas logically sequenced
The ideas within individual paragraphs are logically sequenced, but there is a lack of clear sequencing across the entire set of paragraphs. The transition between the introduction and body paragraphs, as well as between body paragraphs, could be improved to create a more cohesive flow of ideas.
- 🟡 Essay has clear flow
The essay lacks a clear flow from one paragraph to the next, making the message difficult to follow. The transition between paragraphs needs improvement to ensure a smoother flow of ideas.
- ❌ Referencing and substitution used
The referencing and substitution are not properly used in the essay. There is a lack of definite articles and pronouns, leading to repetitive use of 'the creature' and 'people'. This affects the flow and coherence of the essay. For example, instead of repeatedly using 'the creature', pronouns like 'they' or 'it' could be used to improve referencing and substitution.
Lexical Resource Feedback - 5.5
Using IELTS grading criteria.

- ✔️Spelling and word formation used correctly
- 🟡 Collocation (which verb match which noun) used correctly
The use of collocations in the essay is partially correct. However, there are some instances where incorrect collocations are used. For example, 'the creature could be the sample of academic progress' should be 'the creature could be the symbol of academic progress.' To improve, I recommend using a collocation dictionary to ensure the correct pairing of words.
- 🟡 Variety of words used to prevent repetition
The essay demonstrates some word variety, but there is also repetition of certain words and phrases. For example, 'creatures' is used multiple times, and 'humans' is repeated instead of using synonyms such as 'individuals' or 'people.' To improve, I recommend using a thesaurus to find synonyms and avoid repetition.
- 🟡 The vocabulary used is precise and expressive and fit the topic
The vocabulary chosen by the student does not always fit the topic and lacks precision. For example, 'the creature could be the sample of academic progress' should be 'the creature could symbolize academic progress.' To improve, I recommend using precise and topic-relevant vocabulary to enhance the overall expression.
- 🟡 Formal language used
The tone in some parts of the essay is too casual for an academic writing task. For example, 'a lot of individuals' should be 'many individuals.' To improve formality, I recommend using formal language and academic expressions throughout the essay.
- ❌ Complex phrasing used correctly
The use of idiomatic expressions and complex phrasing is not correct. The essay contains several instances of awkward and incorrect phrasing. For example, 'So problematic has the issue of exploiting creatures become nowadays' should be 'The issue of exploiting creatures has become so problematic nowadays.' To improve, I recommend studying idiomatic expressions and complex phrasing in context to understand their correct usage.
Grammatical Range Accuracy Feedback - 5.0
Using IELTS grading criteria.

- 🟡 Variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences used
The essay lacks a diverse mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences. There is a tendency to use overly complex sentence structures, leading to confusion and lack of clarity. For instance, the sentence 'Meaning that the people should keep their environment by protect the other creatures as they protect themselves' is overly complex and lacks clarity. It would be better to break it down into simpler sentences for better understanding.
- 🟡 Sentence structures are used appropriately
The essay contains some awkward and unclear sentence structures that make it difficult to understand the intended meaning. For example, the phrase 'So problematic has the issue of exploiting creatures become nowadays' is awkward and unclear. It would be better to rephrase it as 'The issue of exploiting creatures has become increasingly problematic nowadays.' This would make the sentence clearer and more grammatically correct.
- 🟡 Used appropriate grammar tenses
The essay shows a mix of tenses, but there are instances where the tenses are used incorrectly. For example, 'First, animals are the creature which can maintain the stability of nature' should be 'First, animals are the creatures that can maintain the stability of nature.' The incorrect use of 'creature' instead of 'creatures' affects the grammatical accuracy of the sentence.
- 🟡 Used punctuation accurately
There are several instances of incorrect punctuation in the essay. For example, 'On the other hand, there many reasons why other people opine that animals have massive contributions on human and it is likely to be hunt for people’s necessary.' The phrase 'it is likely to be hunt for people’s necessary' lacks proper punctuation and should be rephrased for clarity and correctness.
- ❌ Major grammatical Errors are avoided
Detailed Feedback and Analysis
Sentence: So problematic has the issue of exploiting creatures become nowadays that a lot of individuals argue that animal should have the same position as people.
Error Type: Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Error: The sentence structure is awkward and unclear.
Correction: Restructure the sentence for clarity and coherence.
Explanation: The sentence lacks clarity and coherence due to its awkward structure.

Sentence: While some opine that the creature could be the sample of academic progress and fulfill human necessary as daily needs.
Error Type: Lexical Resource, Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Error: "Sample of academic progress" is not clear. "Fulfill human necessary" should be "fulfill human needs."
Correction: Use a clearer phrase instead of "sample of academic progress." Replace "necessary" with "needs."
Explanation: The phrase "sample of academic progress" is unclear, and "necessary" should be replaced with "needs."

Sentence: On the one hand, people argue that creature has similar rights as humans due to some considerations.
Error Type: Coherence and Cohesion
Error: Lack of transition from the previous paragraph's topic to this one.
Correction: Add a transitional phrase to connect this paragraph to the previous one.
Explanation: The lack of a clear transition makes it difficult for readers to follow the flow of ideas.

Sentence: On the other hand, there many reasons why other people opine that animals have massive contributions on human and it is likely to be hunt for people’s necessary.
Error Type: Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Error: Awkward phrasing; "it is likely to be hunt" should be rephrased for clarity.
Correction: Rephrase "it is likely to be hunt" for clarity and coherence.
Explanation: The phrasing is awkward and lacks clarity.

Sentence: Firstly, the animal could be one of best sample of testing medicine. This way might bring the benefits on humans owing to various diseases occurring nowadays.
Error Type: Lexical Resource, Coherence and Cohesion
Error: Awkward phrasing; unclear connection between sentences.
Correction: Use clearer language in describing testing medicine. Connect the sentences more coherently.
Explanation:The phrasing is awkward, and there's a lack of coherence between sentences.

Overall, your essay contains several errors related to grammar, coherence, cohesion, and lexical resource. Make sure to use clear language, coherent transitions between paragraphs, accurate grammar usage, and appropriate vocabulary choices.
Improved Rewritten Essay using Your Ideas
Your Rewritten Essay

The issue of animal exploitation has become increasingly contentious in modern times, with a growing number of individuals advocating for the equal rights of animals, akin to those of humans. Conversely, there are others who argue that animals serve as essential resources for meeting human needs, including food and scientific research. Both perspectives will be deliberated upon in this essay, followed by a conclusive stance.

Advocates for the equal rights of animals posit that these creatures deserve similar consideration to humans due to several compelling reasons. Firstly, animals play a crucial role in maintaining the ecological balance, and it is imperative for humans to safeguard their environment by protecting other species. The interconnectedness of all organisms underscores the importance of treating animals with respect and compassion. Furthermore, any harm inflicted upon animals can have detrimental effects on human life and well-being.

Conversely, proponents of animal exploitation argue that animals make significant contributions to human society and are indispensable for fulfilling various needs. For instance, animals are vital subjects for medical research aimed at developing new treatments and medications for prevalent diseases. The use of animals in scientific experiments is instrumental in ensuring the safety and efficacy of pharmaceutical products before they are made available to the public. Additionally, animals provide valuable resources such as meat for sustenance, as well as materials like fur and skin that contribute to human creativity and innovation.

In conclusion, while it is undeniable that animals offer substantial benefits to humanity in terms of scientific advancement and resource provision, it is essential for humans to exercise responsible stewardship over the natural world. Balancing the utilization of animal resources with ethical considerations is paramount in ensuring the sustainability of both human society and the environment.


Improved Sentences
  • Original: So problematic has the issue of exploiting creatures become nowadays that a lot of individuals argue that animal should have the same position as people.
    Improved: The issue of animal exploitation has become increasingly contentious in modern times, with a growing number of individuals advocating for the equal rights of animals, akin to those of humans.
    Reason: The improved sentence provides a more precise description using formal language suitable for academic writing.
  • Original: If people like to hurt or even kill animals, they tend to get the harmful effect on their life.
    Improved: Any harm inflicted upon animals can have detrimental effects on human life and well-being.
    Reason: The improved sentence uses formal language and presents a stronger cause-effect relationship between harming animals and its impact on human life.
  • Original: This way might bring the benefits on humans owing to various diseases occurring nowadays.
    Improved: For instance, The medical personnel who will create alternative or even new medications needs some researches before publishing the drugs certainly.
    Reason: The improved sentence provides a clearer example related to medical research without ambiguity.

Suggested better vocabulary
  • contentious
  • advocates
  • compelling reasons
  • ecological balance
  • interconnectedness