A growing number of people feel that animals should not be exploited by people and that they should have the same rights as humans, while others argue that humans must employ animals to satisfy their various needs, including uses for food and research.
Discuss both views and give your opinion.
In this century, there are a countless number of people that are showing interest in what concerne animals rights, therefore it is becoming an actual and argued topic.
People are starting to look disapprovingly all situations and events with animal exploitation. Infact, circus circus, [Possible missing comma found.] for example, has lost its popularity and the audience prefer human performances.
Moreover, animal rights have become part of the law and animal’s abuse is punished with fees and occasionally with prison.
Further more Furthermore [Grammar Error; This adverb is normally spelled as one word.; Checkout This Link], also the animal breeding has been observed and people are realizing that the killing and the slaughter of animals is cruelly done. It is important to realize that people of new generations are developing a new sensibility concerning this issue, but currently it is emerging a new exstremist thought.
Despite the huge number of vegeterian people (which the majority of them are following a new fashion), there are also people with distorted views.
The area that worry me most regards the animal research which allows considerable and important improvements in the medical research, therefore in human walfare. The animalist group are is [Grammar Error; The verb form ‘are’ does not seem to match the subject ‘group’.] spreading wrong information , , [Incorrectly used dash or quote characters; Put a space after the comma, but not before the comma.] directly demaging the research sector. As an illustration, few months ago an animalist group destroyed years and years of neurological research freeing rats used in a laboratory, because they would have been cruelly treated. Unfortunately Unfortunately, [Possible missing comma found.] this these [Grammar Error; The singular determiner ‘this’ may not agree with the plural noun ‘animalists’. Did you mean “these”?] animalists did not know that for each treatment was used anesthesia.
Given these points, I defend animal rights and I do not support any form of animal exploitation , , [Incorrectly used dash or quote characters; Put a space after the comma, but not before the comma.] nevertheless I do not support any exetremist thought especially concerning medical research.
Overall Band Score
6.5 - Lexical Resource
5.5 - Task Response
5.5 - Grammatical Range and Accuracy
How to improve your band score?
Coherence Cohersion Feedback - 3.5
Lexical Resource Feedback - 5.5
Grammatical Range Accuracy Feedback - 5.5
Detailed Feedback and Analysis
Error Type: Lexical Resource, Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Error: "concerne" should be "concerns", "actual" should be "actualized"
Correction: In this century, there are a countless number of people that are showing interest in what concerns animal rights, therefore it is becoming an actualized and argued topic.
Explanation: The word "concerne" is misspelled and should be replaced with "concerns". The word "actual" does not fit the context and should be replaced with "actualized".
Sentence: People are starting to look disapprovingly all situations and events with animal exploitation. Infact, circus for example, has lost its popularity and the audience prefer human performances.
Error Type: Coherence and Cohesion
Error: The sentence lacks coherence as it jumps from people's disapproval to the decline of circus popularity without a clear connection.
Correction: People are starting to look disapprovingly at all situations and events involving animal exploitation. For example, circuses have lost their popularity as audiences now prefer human performances.
Explanation: The revised sentence provides a clearer connection between people's disapproval of animal exploitation and the decline of circus popularity.
Sentence: Moreover, animal rights have become part of the law and animal’s abuse is punished with fees and occasionally with prison.
Error Type: Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Error: "animal’s" should be "animals'"
Correction: Moreover, animal rights have become part of the law and animals' abuse is punished with fees and occasionally with prison.
Explanation: The possessive form should be plural to indicate that it refers to multiple animals.
Sentence: Further more, also the animal breeding has been observed and people are realizing that the killing and the slaughter of animals is cruelly done. It is important to realize that people of new generations are developing a new sensibility concerning this issue, but currently it is emerging a new exstremist thought.
Error Type: Task Response
Error: Lack of clarity in presenting both views on animal exploitation as required by the prompt.
Correction: N/A
Explanation: The essay lacks a clear discussion of both views on animal exploitation as required by the prompt.
Sentence:The area that worry me most regards the animal research which allows considerable and important improvements in the medical research, therefore in human walfare.
Error Type: Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Error:"worry me most regards" should be "worries me most regarding"
Correction:The area that worries me most regarding the animal research which allows considerable and important improvements in medical research, therefore in human welfare.
Explanation:The phrase needs to be restructured for grammatical accuracy.
Sentence:The animalist group are spreading wrong information , directly demaging the research sector. As an illustration, few months ago an animalist group destroyed years and years of neurological research freeing rats used in a laboratory, because they would have been cruelly treated. Unfortunately this animalists did not know that for each treatment was used anesthesia.
Error Type:Lexical Resource,Grammatical Range & Accuracy
Error:"animalist" should be replaced by "animal rights activists", "demaging" should be replaced by damaging,"few months ago an"should be changed to"A few months ago,"this animalists did not know that for each treatment was used anesthesia."should be changed to"The activists did not know that anesthesia was used for each treatment."
Correction:The animal rights activists are spreading wrong information , directly damaging the research sector. As an illustration,A few months ago an activist group destroyed years of neurological research freeing rats used in a laboratory because they would have been cruelly treated. Unfortunately these activists did not know that anesthesia was used for each treatment."
Explanation:"Animalist" does not accurately convey meaning here; using "animal rights activists" would better represent their cause. Additionally,"demaging"is incorrect spelling;it should be replaced by"demanding".The phrase"A few months ago"is more appropriate than"few months ago".Lastly,the last sentence needs restructuring for clarity.
Overall,the essay contains errors related to lexical resource (word choice), grammatical range & accuracy,and coherence & cohesion.The student also failed to present both views on animal exploitation as required by task response.The student needs to focus on using appropriate vocabulary,restructuring sentences for clarity,and addressing all aspects of task requirements when writing essays.