Topic:
A growing number of people feel that animals should not be exploited by people and that they should have the same rights as humans, while others argue that humans must employ animals to satisfy their various needs, including uses for food and research.
Discuss both views and give your opinion.
In this century, there are a countless number of people that are showing interest in what concerne animals rights, therefore it is becoming an actual and argued topic.
People are starting to look disapprovingly all situations and events with animal exploitation. Infact, circus circus, [Possible missing comma found.] for example, has lost its popularity and the audience prefer human performances.
Moreover, animal rights have become part of the law and animal’s abuse is punished with fees and occasionally with prison.
Further more Furthermore [Grammar Error; This adverb is normally spelled as one word.; Checkout This Link], also the animal breeding has been observed and people are realizing that the killing and the slaughter of animals is cruelly done. It is important to realize that people of new generations are developing a new sensibility concerning this issue, but currently it is emerging a new exstremist thought.
Despite the huge number of vegeterian people (which the majority of them are following a new fashion), there are also people with distorted views.
The area that worry me most regards the animal research which allows considerable and important improvements in the medical research, therefore in human walfare. The animalist group are is [Grammar Error; The verb form ‘are’ does not seem to match the subject ‘group’.] spreading wrong information , , [Incorrectly used dash or quote characters; Put a space after the comma, but not before the comma.] directly demaging the research sector. As an illustration, few months ago an animalist group destroyed years and years of neurological research freeing rats used in a laboratory, because they would have been cruelly treated. Unfortunately Unfortunately, [Possible missing comma found.] this these [Grammar Error; The singular determiner ‘this’ may not agree with the plural noun ‘animalists’. Did you mean “these”?] animalists did not know that for each treatment was used anesthesia.
Given these points, I defend animal rights and I do not support any form of animal exploitation , , [Incorrectly used dash or quote characters; Put a space after the comma, but not before the comma.] nevertheless I do not support any exetremist thought especially concerning medical research.
5.5
Overall Band Score
Overall Band Score
5.5 - Coherence and
Cohesion
6.5 - Lexical Resource
5.5 - Task Response
5.5 - Grammatical Range and Accuracy
6.5 - Lexical Resource
5.5 - Task Response
5.5 - Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Good Vocabulary Used : breeding, slaughter, sensibility, neurological, anesthesia
How to improve your band score?
Keep your paragraphs count to 4-5 Paragraphs.
You wrote 7 paragraphs. It is advised to maintain
4-5
paragraphs. Check this
blog by IELTS Liz'
Coherence Cohersion Feedback - 3.5
Using IELTS
grading criteria.
- 🟡 Referencing and substitution used
The referencing and substitution are partially used. There are instances where pronouns could be used to avoid repetition, such as replacing 'animal rights' with 'they' or 'it' for better flow. For example, in paragraph 2, 'animal exploitation' could be replaced with 'it' for better cohesion. To improve, I suggest practicing the use of pronouns to avoid repetition and maintain coherence in writing.
- 🟡 Ideas logically sequenced
The ideas are partially logically sequenced. For instance, in paragraph 4, the shift from discussing animal breeding to the killing and slaughter of animals feels abrupt and lacks a clear transition. To improve, I recommend using transitional phrases to create a smoother transition between ideas and ensure logical sequencing within paragraphs.
- ❌ Variety of cohesive devices used
The essay lacks a variety of cohesive devices to connect ideas and ensure a smooth flow. For example, the repetitive use of 'furthermore' and 'moreover' in paragraphs 3 and 4 makes the writing monotonous. Instead, the use of transitional phrases like 'in addition', 'additionally', or 'furthermore' can enhance the coherence and cohesion of the essay. To avoid this mistake in the future, I recommend using a mix of transitional words and phrases to connect ideas and maintain a smooth flow.
- ❌ All paragraphs have central topic
The body paragraphs do not have one central topic with one topic sentence introducing each paragraph. For example, in paragraph 4, the focus shifts from animal breeding to the killing and slaughter of animals without a clear central topic. To improve, I recommend ensuring that each body paragraph has one central topic with a clear topic sentence introducing the paragraph.
- ❌ Essay has clear flow
There is a lack of clear flow from one paragraph to the next, making the message difficult to follow. For instance, the transition from discussing vegetarianism in paragraph 5 to animal research in paragraph 6 feels abrupt and disconnected. To improve, I suggest using transitional phrases to create a clear flow from one paragraph to the next and ensure that the message is easy to follow.
- ❌ Proper Paragraphing
You need to work on your paragraphing. Your paragraph number 3 is not proportional and not fully developed. Consider developing your paragraph further with additional details to strengthen your response. Check this blog.
- ❌ Paragraph Count
Currently you wrote 7 paragraphs. It is advised to write 4-5 paragraphs. Check this blog by IELTS Liz
Lexical Resource Feedback - 5.5
Using IELTS
grading criteria.
- ✔️Spelling and word formation used correctly
- ✔️Formal language used
- 🟡 Collocation (which verb match which noun) used correctly
The essay contains some incorrect collocations. For example, 'what concerne animals rights' should be 'concerns animal rights'. To improve, I recommend using the correct collocations such as 'concerns animal welfare' or 'pertains to animal rights'.
- 🟡 The vocabulary used is precise and expressive and fit the topic
The vocabulary chosen does not always fit the topic and lacks precision. For instance, 'new exstremist thought' should be 'extremist ideology'. To improve, I suggest using precise vocabulary that is relevant to the topic and context.
- ❌ Complex phrasing used correctly
The use of idiomatic expressions and complex phrasing is not used correctly in the essay. For instance, 'a countless number of people' should be 'a growing number of people'. To improve, I suggest using idiomatic expressions and complex phrasing more accurately to enhance the quality of the writing.
- ❌ Variety of words used to prevent repetition
The essay lacks a diverse range of words and synonyms, leading to repetition. For example, 'animal' is repeated multiple times. To improve, I recommend using synonyms such as 'creature', 'beast', or 'living being' to avoid repetition.
Grammatical Range Accuracy Feedback - 5.5
Using IELTS
grading criteria.
- 🟡 Variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences used
The essay predominantly consists of simple sentences, and there is a lack of variety in sentence structures. For example, the use of compound and complex sentences could enhance the overall quality of the essay. To improve, try to incorporate a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences to add depth and complexity to the writing.
- 🟡 Sentence structures are used appropriately
The essay contains several instances of incorrect verb tense usage, such as 'are showing' instead of 'show', 'is becoming' instead of 'has become', and 'is punished' instead of 'should be punished'. These errors affect the overall clarity and accuracy of the essay. To improve, pay attention to the correct verb tense usage and ensure consistency throughout the essay.
- 🟡 Used appropriate grammar tenses
The essay contains several instances of incorrect verb tense usage, such as 'are showing' instead of 'show', 'is becoming' instead of 'has become', and 'is punished' instead of 'should be punished'. These errors affect the overall clarity and accuracy of the essay. To improve, pay attention to the correct verb tense usage and ensure consistency throughout the essay.
- 🟡 Used punctuation accurately
There are several punctuation errors in the essay, such as missing commas after introductory phrases and inconsistent use of capitalization. For example, 'further more' should be 'Furthermore', and 'animal breeding has been observed and people are realizing that the killing' should have a comma after 'observed'. To improve, pay attention to proper punctuation rules and ensure consistency throughout the essay.
- ❌ Major grammatical Errors are avoided
The essay contains major grammatical errors, such as incorrect verb tense usage, missing articles, and inconsistent subject-verb agreement. For example, 'the animal breeding has been observed' should be 'animal breeding has been observed', and 'people are realizing that the killing' should be 'people realize that killing'. These errors significantly hinder the overall communicative value of the essay. To improve, focus on mastering basic grammar rules and practice using them consistently.
Detailed Feedback and Analysis
Sentence: In this century, there are a countless number of people that are showing interest in what concerne animals rights, therefore it is becoming an actual and argued topic.
Error Type: Lexical Resource, Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Error: "concerne" should be "concerns", "actual" should be "actualized"
Correction: In this century, there are a countless number of people that are showing interest in what concerns animal rights, therefore it is becoming an actualized and argued topic.
Explanation: The word "concerne" is misspelled and should be replaced with "concerns". The word "actual" does not fit the context and should be replaced with "actualized".
Sentence: People are starting to look disapprovingly all situations and events with animal exploitation. Infact, circus for example, has lost its popularity and the audience prefer human performances.
Error Type: Coherence and Cohesion
Error: The sentence lacks coherence as it jumps from people's disapproval to the decline of circus popularity without a clear connection.
Correction: People are starting to look disapprovingly at all situations and events involving animal exploitation. For example, circuses have lost their popularity as audiences now prefer human performances.
Explanation: The revised sentence provides a clearer connection between people's disapproval of animal exploitation and the decline of circus popularity.
Sentence: Moreover, animal rights have become part of the law and animal’s abuse is punished with fees and occasionally with prison.
Error Type: Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Error: "animal’s" should be "animals'"
Correction: Moreover, animal rights have become part of the law and animals' abuse is punished with fees and occasionally with prison.
Explanation: The possessive form should be plural to indicate that it refers to multiple animals.
Sentence: Further more, also the animal breeding has been observed and people are realizing that the killing and the slaughter of animals is cruelly done. It is important to realize that people of new generations are developing a new sensibility concerning this issue, but currently it is emerging a new exstremist thought.
Error Type: Task Response
Error: Lack of clarity in presenting both views on animal exploitation as required by the prompt.
Correction: N/A
Explanation: The essay lacks a clear discussion of both views on animal exploitation as required by the prompt.
Sentence:The area that worry me most regards the animal research which allows considerable and important improvements in the medical research, therefore in human walfare.
Error Type: Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Error:"worry me most regards" should be "worries me most regarding"
Correction:The area that worries me most regarding the animal research which allows considerable and important improvements in medical research, therefore in human welfare.
Explanation:The phrase needs to be restructured for grammatical accuracy.
Sentence:The animalist group are spreading wrong information , directly demaging the research sector. As an illustration, few months ago an animalist group destroyed years and years of neurological research freeing rats used in a laboratory, because they would have been cruelly treated. Unfortunately this animalists did not know that for each treatment was used anesthesia.
Error Type:Lexical Resource,Grammatical Range & Accuracy
Error:"animalist" should be replaced by "animal rights activists", "demaging" should be replaced by damaging,"few months ago an"should be changed to"A few months ago,"this animalists did not know that for each treatment was used anesthesia."should be changed to"The activists did not know that anesthesia was used for each treatment."
Correction:The animal rights activists are spreading wrong information , directly damaging the research sector. As an illustration,A few months ago an activist group destroyed years of neurological research freeing rats used in a laboratory because they would have been cruelly treated. Unfortunately these activists did not know that anesthesia was used for each treatment."
Explanation:"Animalist" does not accurately convey meaning here; using "animal rights activists" would better represent their cause. Additionally,"demaging"is incorrect spelling;it should be replaced by"demanding".The phrase"A few months ago"is more appropriate than"few months ago".Lastly,the last sentence needs restructuring for clarity.
Overall,the essay contains errors related to lexical resource (word choice), grammatical range & accuracy,and coherence & cohesion.The student also failed to present both views on animal exploitation as required by task response.The student needs to focus on using appropriate vocabulary,restructuring sentences for clarity,and addressing all aspects of task requirements when writing essays.
Error Type: Lexical Resource, Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Error: "concerne" should be "concerns", "actual" should be "actualized"
Correction: In this century, there are a countless number of people that are showing interest in what concerns animal rights, therefore it is becoming an actualized and argued topic.
Explanation: The word "concerne" is misspelled and should be replaced with "concerns". The word "actual" does not fit the context and should be replaced with "actualized".
Sentence: People are starting to look disapprovingly all situations and events with animal exploitation. Infact, circus for example, has lost its popularity and the audience prefer human performances.
Error Type: Coherence and Cohesion
Error: The sentence lacks coherence as it jumps from people's disapproval to the decline of circus popularity without a clear connection.
Correction: People are starting to look disapprovingly at all situations and events involving animal exploitation. For example, circuses have lost their popularity as audiences now prefer human performances.
Explanation: The revised sentence provides a clearer connection between people's disapproval of animal exploitation and the decline of circus popularity.
Sentence: Moreover, animal rights have become part of the law and animal’s abuse is punished with fees and occasionally with prison.
Error Type: Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Error: "animal’s" should be "animals'"
Correction: Moreover, animal rights have become part of the law and animals' abuse is punished with fees and occasionally with prison.
Explanation: The possessive form should be plural to indicate that it refers to multiple animals.
Sentence: Further more, also the animal breeding has been observed and people are realizing that the killing and the slaughter of animals is cruelly done. It is important to realize that people of new generations are developing a new sensibility concerning this issue, but currently it is emerging a new exstremist thought.
Error Type: Task Response
Error: Lack of clarity in presenting both views on animal exploitation as required by the prompt.
Correction: N/A
Explanation: The essay lacks a clear discussion of both views on animal exploitation as required by the prompt.
Sentence:The area that worry me most regards the animal research which allows considerable and important improvements in the medical research, therefore in human walfare.
Error Type: Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Error:"worry me most regards" should be "worries me most regarding"
Correction:The area that worries me most regarding the animal research which allows considerable and important improvements in medical research, therefore in human welfare.
Explanation:The phrase needs to be restructured for grammatical accuracy.
Sentence:The animalist group are spreading wrong information , directly demaging the research sector. As an illustration, few months ago an animalist group destroyed years and years of neurological research freeing rats used in a laboratory, because they would have been cruelly treated. Unfortunately this animalists did not know that for each treatment was used anesthesia.
Error Type:Lexical Resource,Grammatical Range & Accuracy
Error:"animalist" should be replaced by "animal rights activists", "demaging" should be replaced by damaging,"few months ago an"should be changed to"A few months ago,"this animalists did not know that for each treatment was used anesthesia."should be changed to"The activists did not know that anesthesia was used for each treatment."
Correction:The animal rights activists are spreading wrong information , directly damaging the research sector. As an illustration,A few months ago an activist group destroyed years of neurological research freeing rats used in a laboratory because they would have been cruelly treated. Unfortunately these activists did not know that anesthesia was used for each treatment."
Explanation:"Animalist" does not accurately convey meaning here; using "animal rights activists" would better represent their cause. Additionally,"demaging"is incorrect spelling;it should be replaced by"demanding".The phrase"A few months ago"is more appropriate than"few months ago".Lastly,the last sentence needs restructuring for clarity.
Overall,the essay contains errors related to lexical resource (word choice), grammatical range & accuracy,and coherence & cohesion.The student also failed to present both views on animal exploitation as required by task response.The student needs to focus on using appropriate vocabulary,restructuring sentences for clarity,and addressing all aspects of task requirements when writing essays.