Topic:

16. In the past, people ate local food in season. Nowadays, people buy a variety of foods from all over the world. Do the

advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

Essay:

With the advancement of many culinary cultures today, many people want to enjoy new foods on social media platforms. This essay is to pinpoint both the advantages and disadvantages to this development before concluding how it is negative.

Admittedly, there are some exotic food that brings many benefits to us. The first, enriches meals with a myriad nutrition from foods of different regions and this can satisfy so appetite picky eaters. This is especially helpful for picky eaters to easily have more options to provide more nutrition to each of their meals. Second, many products will be transported from other places to serve consumer needs, which will certainly increase food security and safety from localities.

What is more, there are some problems when many young people pay too much attention to foreign dishes and lose traditional dishes. The main one is that traditional food is disappearing. For instance, the menus of most cafes cafés [Incorrectly used dash or quote characters; ‘Cafes’ is a foreign word which originally has a diacritic.] or restaurants have foreign dishes, to serve the demands of some people. Besides, imported dishes from around the world are only affordable for the wealthy class. Moreover, most imported foreign dishes contain food-reserves Sometimes, that can cause harmful effects to consumers' health.

All in all, although this trend of imported foods can bring some advantages, I believe that takes more drawbacks for people.

6.0
Overall Band Score
6.0 - Coherence and Cohesion
6.0 - Lexical Resource
5.5 - Task Response
6.5 - Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Good Vocabulary Used : culinary, pinpoint, myriad, picky, eaters
How to improve your band score?
Work on your paragraphing. Your paragraph number 4 is not fully developed. This would increase your Coherence Band from 6.0 to 7.5.
Consider developing your paragraph further with additional details to strengthen your response. Check this blog.
Coherence Cohersion Feedback - 6.0
Using IELTS grading criteria.

- ✔️Referencing and substitution used
- ✔️Ideas logically sequenced
- ✔️All paragraphs have central topic
- ✔️Paragraph Count
- 🟡 Variety of cohesive devices used
The essay lacks a variety of cohesive devices to connect ideas and ensure a smooth flow. Repetitive use of 'food' and 'dishes' could be improved by using synonyms or pronouns for better coherence. For example, in Paragraph 2, 'foods' and 'meals' could be varied. In Paragraph 3, 'dishes' is repeated multiple times. Using pronouns or synonyms can enhance the overall cohesion of the essay.
- 🟡 Essay has clear flow
The flow between paragraphs is somewhat disrupted due to abrupt transitions. For instance, the transition from Body 1 to Body 2 could be smoother to enhance coherence. Providing clearer connections between paragraphs would improve the overall flow of the essay.
- ❌ Proper Paragraphing
You need to work on your paragraphing. Your paragraph number 4 is not proportional and not fully developed. Consider developing your paragraph further with additional details to strengthen your response. Check this blog.
Lexical Resource Feedback - 6.0
Using IELTS grading criteria.

- ✔️Complex phrasing used correctly
- ✔️Spelling and word formation used correctly
- ✔️Formal language used
- 🟡 Collocation (which verb match which noun) used correctly
The student has attempted to use collocations, but there are some errors in their usage. For example, 'satisfy so appetite' should be 'satisfy the appetite'. To improve, the student should pay more attention to correct collocations in their writing.
- 🟡 Variety of words used to prevent repetition
There is some repetition in the student's writing. For example, 'foods' is repeated multiple times. To improve word variety, the student can use synonyms like 'cuisines', 'dishes', or 'products'.
- 🟡 The vocabulary used is precise and expressive and fit the topic
Some vocabulary choices do not fit the topic precisely. For instance, 'appetite picky eaters' could be improved to 'picky eaters with specific tastes'. The student should aim for more precise vocabulary that aligns closely with the topic.
Grammatical Range Accuracy Feedback - 6.5
Using IELTS grading criteria.

- ✔️Major grammatical Errors are avoided
- 🟡 Variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences used
The essay lacks a diverse mix of sentence structures, primarily relying on simple sentences. To enhance the essay's readability and sophistication, incorporating more complex and compound sentences would be beneficial. For instance, instead of using only simple sentences like 'The first, enriches meals with a myriad nutrition from foods of different regions and this can satisfy so appetite picky eaters,' consider varying the sentence structures to create a more engaging narrative.
- 🟡 Sentence structures are used appropriately
The essay contains some awkward sentence structures that do not flow smoothly or convey the intended meaning clearly. For example, 'This essay is to pinpoint both the advantages and disadvantages to this development before concluding how it is negative.' The structure of this sentence is confusing and could be improved for better clarity and coherence. To improve, simplify the sentence structure and focus on clear communication of ideas.
- 🟡 Used appropriate grammar tenses
There are instances where incorrect verb tenses are used in the essay, leading to confusion in the timeline of events. For example, 'many products will be transported from other places to serve consumer needs' should be 'are transported' for present tense consistency. To improve, pay attention to verb tense consistency throughout the essay for better clarity and coherence.
- 🟡 Used punctuation accurately
There are some punctuation errors in the essay that affect the flow and readability. For example, 'Second, many products will be transported from other places to serve consumer needs, which will certainly increase food security and safety from localities.' The comma placement after 'needs' disrupts the flow of the sentence. To enhance punctuation accuracy, review the use of commas and other punctuation marks for proper placement and clarity.
Detailed Feedback and Analysis
Sentence: With the advancement of many culinary cultures today, many people want to enjoy new foods on social media platforms.
Error Type: Coherence and Cohesion, Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Error: The sentence lacks coherence as it combines two unrelated ideas in a single sentence. Additionally, there is a grammatical error with the use of "want" instead of "wanting."
Correction: Split the sentence into two for better coherence. Change "want" to "wanting."
Explanation: By separating the ideas into two sentences, the connection between culinary cultures and social media platforms becomes clearer. Using "wanting" makes the sentence grammatically correct.

Sentence: Admittedly, there are some exotic food that brings many benefits to us.
Error Type: Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Error: The noun "food" should be plural to match the plural verb "brings."
Correction: Change "food" to "foods."
Explanation: Ensuring subject-verb agreement by making both singular or both plural helps maintain grammatical accuracy.

Sentence: This is especially helpful for picky eaters to easily have more options to provide more nutrition to each of their meals.
Error Type: Lexical Resource
Error: Awkward phrasing with repetition of "more" and unclear pronoun reference with "each of their meals."
Correction: Remove one instance of "more." Consider revising for clarity by specifying whose meals are being referred to.
Explanation: Removing repetition improves lexical resource, while clarifying pronoun reference enhances coherence.

Sentence: What is more, there are some problems when many young people pay too much attention to foreign dishes and lose traditional dishes.
Error Type: Coherence and Cohesion
Error: Lack of clear transition between paragraphs leading to a disjointed flow.
Correction: Use a smoother transition phrase like "Furthermore," or rephrase for better connection between ideas.
Explanation: Adding appropriate transition phrases helps maintain coherence by smoothly connecting different points in the essay.

Sentence: All in all, although this trend of imported foods can bring some advantages, I believe that takes more drawbacks for people.
Error Type: Task Response
Error: The conclusion does not clearly address whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages as required by the prompt.
Correction: Clearly state whether you believe the advantages outweigh the disadvantages or vice versa based on your arguments presented earlier in the essay.
Explanation: To fulfill task response requirements, ensure your conclusion directly addresses whether you think one side outweighs the other based on your analysis.
Improved Rewritten Essay using Your Ideas
Your Rewritten Essay

In today's globalized world, the culinary landscape has expanded significantly, leading to a growing desire among individuals to explore diverse cuisines showcased on various social media platforms. This essay aims to evaluate the merits and demerits of this trend before reaching a conclusive stance on its overall impact.

Undeniably, the introduction of exotic foods into local diets offers numerous advantages. Firstly, it enhances the nutritional diversity of meals by incorporating ingredients from different regions, catering to the preferences of even the most discerning eaters. This not only broadens culinary experiences but also ensures a well-rounded intake of essential nutrients. Secondly, the transportation of food products from distant locations contributes to bolstering food security and safety standards within communities.

Conversely, a significant drawback arises when the younger generation becomes overly fixated on foreign delicacies at the expense of traditional dishes. The primary concern is the gradual disappearance of indigenous culinary heritage as eateries increasingly prioritize international menus to cater to evolving consumer tastes. Moreover, imported foreign foods often come at premium prices accessible only to affluent individuals, posing health risks due to preservatives and additives present in such products.

In conclusion, while embracing a variety of global foods may offer certain benefits, it is evident that the drawbacks outweigh the advantages for society at large.


Improved Sentences
  • 1. Original:
    With the advancement of many culinary cultures today, many people want to enjoy new foods on social media platforms. Improved:
    In today's globalized world, the culinary landscape has expanded significantly, leading to a growing desire among individuals to explore diverse cuisines showcased on various social media platforms. Reason:
    The improved sentence provides a more sophisticated introduction by emphasizing globalization and diverse culinary experiences.
  • 2. Original:
    Admittedly, there are some exotic food that brings many benefits to us. Improved:
    Undeniably, the introduction of exotic foods into local diets offers numerous advantages. Reason:
    The improved sentence uses a more formal and precise language choice ('undeniably') while maintaining clarity about the benefits of exotic foods.
  • 3. Original:
    What is more, there are some problems when many young people pay too much attention to foreign dishes and lose traditional dishes. Improved:
    Conversely, a significant drawback arises when the younger generation becomes overly fixated on foreign delicacies at the expense of traditional dishes. Reason:
    The improved sentence introduces contrast effectively ('conversely') and enhances clarity by specifying how traditional dishes are being neglected.

Suggested better vocabulary
  • globalized world
  • culinary landscape
  • diverse cuisines
  • indigenous culinary heritage