Topic:

16. In the past, people ate local food in season. Nowadays, people buy a variety of foods from all over the world. Do the

advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

Essay:

With the advancement of many culinary cultures today, many people want to enjoy new foods on social media platforms. This essay is to pinpoint both the advantages and disadvantages to this development before concluding how it is negative.

Admittedly, there are some exotic food that brings many benefits to us. The first, enriches meals with a myriad nutrition from foods of different regions and this can satisfy so appetite picky eaters. This is especially helpful for picky eaters to easily have more options to provide more nutrition to each of their meals. Second, many products will be transported from other places to serve consumer needs, which will certainly increase food security and safety from localities.

Phải thừa nhận rằng có một số vấn đề liên quan khi các loại thực phẩm lạ trở nên sẵn có hơn. Một vấn đề là nó có thể ngăn cản Nyan Cat [Possible spelling mistakes found.] những người quan tâm đến thực phẩm lạ tiêu thụ thực phẩm địa phương hàng ngày.

What is more, there are some problems when many young people pay too much attention to foreign dishes and lose traditional dishes. The main one is that traditional food is disappearing. For instance, the menus of most cafes cafés [Incorrectly used dash or quote characters; ‘Cafes’ is a foreign word which originally has a diacritic.] or restaurants have foreign dishes, to serve the demands of some people. Besides, imported dishes from around the world are only affordable for the wealthy class. Moreover, most imported foreign dishes contain food-reserves Sometimes, that can cause harmful effects to consumers' health.

All in all, although this trend of imported foods can bring some advantages, I believe that takes more drawbacks for people.

7.5
Overall Band Score
7.5 - Coherence and Cohesion
8.5 - Lexical Resource
7.5 - Task Response
6.5 - Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Good Vocabulary Used : culinary, pinpoint, myriad, picky, eaters
How to improve your band score?
Work on your paragraphing. Your paragraph number 5 is not fully developed.
Consider developing your paragraph further with additional details to strengthen your response. Check this blog.
Coherence Cohersion Feedback - 7.5
Using IELTS grading criteria.

- ✔️Paragraph Count
- 🟡 Variety of cohesive devices used
The essay lacks a variety of cohesive devices to connect ideas smoothly. For example, the transition between paragraphs 2 and 3 is abrupt and unclear. To improve coherence, consider using transitional phrases like 'On the other hand' or 'However' to signal shifts in ideas more effectively.
- 🟡 Ideas logically sequenced
The ideas are not logically sequenced across the entire set of paragraphs. Paragraph 3 is in a different language, which disrupts the flow of ideas. To improve sequencing, ensure all paragraphs are in the same language and logically connected to each other.
- 🟡 All paragraphs have central topic
Paragraph 3 does not have a central topic sentence and lacks coherence with the rest of the essay. Each paragraph should focus on one central idea introduced by a topic sentence. To enhance coherence, ensure each paragraph has a clear central topic that relates to the overall thesis of the essay.
- 🟡 Essay has clear flow
There is a lack of clear flow from one paragraph to the next, especially between paragraphs 2 and 3 where the language abruptly changes. To improve coherence, maintain a consistent flow by using transitional phrases and ensuring smooth transitions between paragraphs.
- ❌ Referencing and substitution used
The referencing and substitution are not properly used in the essay. There are instances of unclear pronoun references and inconsistent use of definite articles. For instance, in paragraph 4, the pronoun 'it' is unclear as it does not have a clear antecedent. To enhance clarity, ensure pronouns refer clearly to their antecedents and use definite articles consistently.
- ❌ Proper Paragraphing
You need to work on your paragraphing. Your paragraph number 5 is not proportional and not fully developed. Consider developing your paragraph further with additional details to strengthen your response. Check this blog.
Lexical Resource Feedback - 8.5
Using IELTS grading criteria.

- ✔️Complex phrasing used correctly
- ✔️Spelling and word formation used correctly
- ✔️Formal language used
- 🟡 Collocation (which verb match which noun) used correctly
'satisfy so appetite' should be 'satisfy the appetite'.
- 🟡 Variety of words used to prevent repetition
'foods' is repeated multiple times. To enhance word variety, the student can use synonyms like 'cuisines', 'dishes', or 'products'.
- 🟡 The vocabulary used is precise and expressive and fit the topic
'appetite picky eaters' could be improved to 'picky eaters with specific dietary preferences'.
Grammatical Range Accuracy Feedback - 6.5
Using IELTS grading criteria.

- ✔️Major grammatical Errors are avoided
- 🟡 Variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences used
The essay lacks a diverse mix of sentence structures, primarily relying on simple sentences. To enhance the quality of writing, incorporating more complex and compound sentences would improve the overall flow and sophistication. For instance, in the second paragraph, instead of using only simple sentences, a mix of complex and compound sentences could provide a better structure and coherence.
- 🟡 Sentence structures are used appropriately
The essay contains some awkward sentence structures that do not flow smoothly and may confuse the reader. For example, 'This essay is to pinpoint both the advantages and disadvantages to this development before concluding how it is negative.' The structure could be improved for better clarity and coherence by rephrasing it as 'This essay aims to highlight both the advantages and disadvantages of this development before concluding its negative impact.'
- 🟡 Used appropriate grammar tenses
There are instances where incorrect verb tenses are used, leading to inconsistency in the essay. For example, 'many people want to enjoy new foods on social media platforms' should be 'many people want to enjoy new foods from around the world.' Consistent use of appropriate verb tenses throughout the essay is essential for clarity and coherence.
- 🟡 Used punctuation accurately
There are several punctuation errors throughout the essay that affect the flow and readability. For example, missing commas in compound sentences like 'The first, enriches meals with a myriad nutrition from foods of different regions' should be 'The first enriches meals with a myriad of nutrition from foods of different regions.' Correcting punctuation errors will enhance the overall quality of writing.
Detailed Feedback and Analysis
Sentence: With the advancement of many culinary cultures today, many people want to enjoy new foods on social media platforms.
Error Type: Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Error: The phrase "want to enjoy new foods on social media platforms" is not grammatically correct.
Correction: Many people want to try new foods from different cultures.
Explanation: The original phrase lacks clarity and coherence in expressing the idea.

Sentence: Admittedly, there are some exotic food that brings many benefits to us.
Error Type: Lexical Resource
Error: "exotic food" should be corrected to "exotic foods".
Correction: Admittedly, there are some exotic foods that bring many benefits to us.
Explanation: The noun "food" should be pluralized when referring to multiple types of food.

Sentence: Một vấn đề là nó có thể ngăn cản những người quan tâm đến thực phẩm lạ tiêu thụ thực phẩm địa phương hàng ngày.
Error Type: Coherence and Cohesion
Error: Lack of clear transition between ideas in the sentence.
Correction: One issue is that it may prevent those interested in exotic foods from consuming local food daily.
Explanation: Adding a clear transition helps improve the flow of ideas in the sentence.

Sentence: What is more, there are some problems when many young people pay too much attention to foreign dishes and lose traditional dishes.
Error Type: Task Response
Error: The sentence does not directly address whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages as per the essay prompt.
Correction: Additionally, when young people focus excessively on foreign dishes, they tend to neglect traditional cuisine, leading to various issues.
Explanation: It is important for each point made in the essay to relate back to whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.

Sentence: All in all, although this trend of imported foods can bring some advantages, I believe that takes more drawbacks for people.
Error Type: Task Response
Error: The conclusion does not clearly state whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages as required by the prompt.
Correction:
All things considered, while imported foods offer certain benefits, I am inclined to believe that their drawbacks outweigh these advantages.
Explanation:
The conclusion should clearly state whether one side (advantages or disadvantages) is stronger than the other based on arguments presented earlier in the essay.
Improved Rewritten Essay using Your Ideas
Your Rewritten Essay

In the contemporary culinary landscape, the desire to explore diverse cuisines and share gastronomic experiences on social media platforms has become a prevalent trend. This essay aims to evaluate the merits and demerits of this shift towards global food consumption before reaching a definitive conclusion on its adverse impacts.

Undeniably, the accessibility of exotic foods offers numerous advantages. Firstly, it enhances culinary diversity by incorporating a plethora of nutrients from various regions, catering to the preferences of even the most discerning eaters. This is particularly beneficial for individuals with selective palates as it broadens their choices and ensures a more balanced nutritional intake. Secondly, the importation of goods from distant locations to meet consumer demands contributes significantly to enhancing food security and safety within local communities.

However, it is imperative to acknowledge the potential drawbacks associated with the increasing availability of exotic foods. One significant concern is that it may deter individuals from consuming locally sourced produce on a regular basis, thereby posing a threat to traditional dietary practices.

Furthermore, an alarming trend emerges as many young people prioritize foreign delicacies over indigenous cuisine, leading to a gradual erosion of culinary heritage. The pervasive influence of foreign menus in cafes and restaurants underscores this shift towards globalized tastes, primarily driven by consumer preferences. Additionally, imported dishes often cater exclusively to affluent demographics, rendering them inaccessible to the general populace. Moreover, certain imported foods contain preservatives that can have detrimental effects on consumers' health.

In conclusion, while the influx of imported foods offers certain benefits, such as culinary enrichment and enhanced food security, its adverse repercussions outweigh these advantages. The preservation of traditional dietary customs and promotion of locally sourced ingredients are essential in safeguarding cultural heritage and ensuring sustainable dietary practices.


Improved Sentences
  • 1. Original:
    With the advancement of many culinary cultures today Improved:
    In the contemporary culinary landscape Reason:
    The original sentence lacks specificity and clarity regarding the current scenario in gastronomy. By rephrasing it as "In the contemporary culinary landscape," I provide a more precise description that sets the context for discussing global food trends.
  • 2. Original:
    Admittedly, there are some exotic food that brings many benefits to us Improved:
    Undeniably, the accessibility of exotic foods offers numerous advantages Reason:
    The improved sentence enhances clarity and sophistication by using "undeniably" instead of "admittedly" and restructuring the sentence for better flow.
  • 3. Original:
    What is more Improved:
    Furthermore Reason:
    "What is more" is informal; replacing it with "Furthermore" maintains formality and coherence within academic writing.

Suggested better vocabulary
  • contemporary landscape
  • prevalent trend
  • gastronomic experiences
  • definitive conclusion
  • discerning eaters
  • balanced nutritional intake
  • importation of goods
  • significant concern
  • indigenous cuisine
  • cultural heritage
  • sustainable dietary practices