'People who do not use social media networks* will always fall behind in career development opportunities. ' To what extent do you feel that this is an accurate and important prediction?
Essay:Social media plays an increasingly pivotal role in our lives, and being able to use these systems is definitely an advantage both socially and professionally. However, it seems an exaggeration to say that ignorance of these matters will ‘always’ restrict people’s careers.
Firstly, career progression relies on a whole host of factors, not only on the use of social media. For example, a professional person will have a range of qualifications, ranging from academic exams to vocational certificates and membership of professional bodies. We see this in the way that successful doctors take increasingly specialised qualifications and join specific institutes to develop their skills. Here, social media may be a communication tool, but is surely not the driving force behind success. Secondly, career development relies greatly on interpersonal skills such as presentation methods, persuasiveness and negotiation, all of which are used in face-to-face situations rather than remotely. Finally, we should remember the dangers of social media and the risk of actually hindering one’s career, for instance by accidentally distributing awkward photos or comments which can be an embarrassment personally and professionally. Indeed, many professionals in fact minimise their use of these media because of this risk.
Admittedly, it is true that social media presents great opportunities for making contacts and networking, for example by building a following or exchanging updates on a particular topic. However, this tends to happen when a person is already qualified and respected in their field, rather than being a cause of success.
In conclusion, it appears that skilful use of these media can play a useful role in career progression, despite the possible risks. Nevertheless, the fundamental qualifications and personal skills which drive a career will ensure that those who are not enthusiastic users will still progress as they wish.
Overall Band Score
7.0 - Lexical Resource
7.5 - Task Response
8.5 - Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Coherence Cohersion Feedback - 8.0
Lexical Resource Feedback - 7.0
Grammatical Range Accuracy Feedback - 8.5
Detailed Feedback and Analysis
Error Type: Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Error: The word 'ignorance' should be replaced with 'lack of knowledge'.
Correction: However, it seems an exaggeration to say that a lack of knowledge of these matters will ‘always’ restrict people’s careers.
Explanation: Using the phrase 'lack of knowledge' is more appropriate in this context as it conveys the idea more clearly.
Sentence: Here, social media may be a communication tool, but is surely not the driving force behind success.
Error Type: Coherence and Cohesion
Error: Lack of transition between ideas.
Correction: Here, while social media may be a communication tool, it is surely not the driving force behind success.
Explanation: Adding a transitional word like 'while' helps to connect the contrasting ideas more effectively.
Sentence: Finally, we should remember the dangers of social media and the risk of actually hindering one’s career, for instance by accidentally distributing awkward photos or comments which can be an embarrassment personally and professionally.
Error Type: Lexical Resource
Error: Repetition of the word 'awkward'.
Correction: Finally, we should remember the dangers of social media and the risk of actually hindering one’s career, for instance by accidentally distributing embarrassing photos or comments which can be an embarrassment personally and professionally.
Explanation: Replacing one instance of 'awkward' with 'embarrassing' improves lexical variety in the sentence.
Improved Rewritten Essay using Your Ideas
Social media has become an integral part of modern society, offering significant advantages both socially and professionally. While proficiency in using these platforms can enhance career prospects, it is an overstatement to claim that individuals who are not engaged in social media will always face limitations in their professional development.
Career advancement is influenced by a multitude of factors beyond social media utilization. Professionals typically acquire diverse qualifications, including academic credentials, vocational certifications, and affiliations with professional organizations. Successful professionals, such as specialized doctors, continually pursue advanced qualifications and engage with specific institutions to refine their expertise. Although social media serves as a communication tool, it is not the primary driver of success in their careers. Moreover, interpersonal skills like effective presentation techniques, persuasion abilities, and negotiation tactics play a crucial role in career growth and are predominantly utilized in face-to-face interactions rather than online settings. Additionally, the pitfalls of social media usage must be acknowledged as it can potentially impede one's career progression by inadvertently sharing compromising photos or comments that may have personal and professional repercussions. Consequently, many professionals limit their engagement with these platforms to mitigate such risks.
Undeniably, social media offers valuable opportunities for networking and establishing connections through activities like building a following or sharing updates on specific subjects. However, these networking benefits are typically realized when individuals have already established credibility and expertise within their respective fields rather than being the sole catalyst for success.
In conclusion, while adept use of social media can facilitate career advancement despite associated risks, foundational qualifications and essential personal skills remain pivotal in driving professional growth. Therefore, individuals who do not actively participate in social media platforms can still achieve their career aspirations through traditional means.
Improved Sentences
- 1. Original:
'Firstly, career progression relies on a whole host of factors...' Improved:
'Career advancement is influenced by a multitude of factors beyond social media utilization.' Reason:
The improved sentence enhances clarity by succinctly conveying the idea that various elements contribute to career growth. - 2. Original:
'Secondly, career development relies greatly on interpersonal skills...' Improved:
'Moreover, interpersonal skills like effective presentation techniques...' Reason:
The improved sentence introduces a transition word for better coherence and specifies the type of interpersonal skills being discussed. - 3. Original:
'In conclusion...will ensure that those who are not enthusiastic users will still progress as they wish.' Improved:
'In conclusion...can still achieve their career aspirations through traditional means.' Reason:
The improved sentence provides a more definitive statement about achieving career goals without emphasizing enthusiasm for social media.
Suggested better vocabulary
- integral part
- proficiency
- limitations
- advancement
- credentials
- affiliations
- specialized doctors
- refine expertise
- predominantly utilized